Saturday, February 4, 2012

Living with myself!

As we grow, we come out of our cushy childhood to face the world around us. The world initially starts from peer pressure in the classroom, slowing expanding its influence to the school level.

By the time, we pass our board exams, we are experienced in handling anxiety, failure, expectations, and many such complicated emotions. We also start taking decisions with varied consequences affecting our existence.

We move from decisions like stealing a chocolate from the fridge to decisions like not talking to a particular friend in the class. We then graduate to decisions about which girl to like, and get infatuated. Every little or big decision has little or big emotional consequences.

Life starts and just wont stop at anything till we die. Every morning starts a day of living life fulfilling wishes, self expectations, greed, ambitions and other egotistical fancies. We go on taking decisions one way or the other. Sometimes we are compelled to take a particular decision.  Sometimes we decide to not decide. That's also a decision with consequences.

Finally comes a time, when we are living the consequences more than our lives. Today, I mostly take decisions to live through consequences of past decisions. Hardly I take new decisions. I neither have the time nor the guts.

I realise that I am going through a phase of wasting time pondering over what is happening, or what has happened. I ought to rather spend time to build a happy present and a better future. It is restricting and frustrating. How to run away? Meditation? Perhaps Yoga? Perhaps seclusion? I don't think death is an alternative.

I know it is a feeling that it is in the mind. It is finally the question, "Am I the world, or am I just myself?" The Jains take diksha by leaving every material comfort including relatives and immediate family. The yogis too roam around alone.

I realise we are all actually ourselves. I am actually just myself. I close my eyes and try to imagine the meaning of 'I am Me. I am just myself'. It is a nice liberating feeling. I am just myself makes me imply that 'the others are just themselves'. We both are mutually exclusive, not related at all. We have to just co-exist without harming each other. I also understand and accept the fact that I can't control others' thoughts, words and actions.

I also realise that I have only 'Today'. There is neither time nor need to mull over the consequences that have piled up on me over the years either subliminally or in full contrast.

Today I take another decision. But this is a new decision by me, for me, about me.

I will live for myself.

I would concentrate on my dreams. I will do my part and leave the rest to chance, and not to 'others'. I will not sulk, as most often than not, we sulk for others' actions, which are anyways, not in our control. I will be nice and courteous to others, as they are others and shouldn't be taken for granted.

Living for myself is mainly about a list of things that I want to do. It is about not getting distracted by past consequences and by 'others' actions.

Today I decide to be happy about myself, without the 'others'.