Sunday, June 3, 2012

Blank Pages

This post has been published by me as a part of the Blog-a-Ton 28; the 28th Edition of the online marathon of Bloggers; where we decide and we write. To be part of the next edition, visit and start following Blog-a-Ton. The topic for this month is 'BLANK PAGES'.

I have been a blank page through out my life.
I am happier!

I get baffled by many mysteries. Mysteries that I can't logically fathom. Mysteries that I cant google about. One of such a mystery is quite funny actually. It is probably a mystery to no one else. It is about our memory.

How do people remember things when the time and context have changed? In other words, how do I remember to bring potatoes on my way to home from office? How do I remember to call someone when I tell him or her, 'I will call you back in 10 minutes'?

I am not some kind of Ghajini heritage material. I do remember things. I remember what I read. I remember the movies that I loved. But I dont remember illogical and non-contextual things.

How do you link 'going to the loo at office' and 'picking up the mobile phone from your desk' logically?

Durlov BaruahIt scares me to death when my boss tells me that we should learn from experiences. I have no clue if I am learning from my experiences. Of course, I am a better professional with education and time. But that was not intentional. It was not because I remembered the mistakes I had made. It is because of my hardwork, passion, urge for knowledge, better intuition and sharper instinct.

Initially, I would get get very frustrated with my forgetfulness. As I grew up, I found that forgetfulness has its benefits. I dont carry baggages of bad memories (or good memories) with me. I am not cynical about life in general. People know me as a happy person.

As we grow old, we learn from our experiences (perhaps, more from our bad experiences) and we get cocooned in our own self beliefs about what life is and how people are. We form opinions basis some incidents, about our own extended family members, and hold grudges till the day we die.

I hardly have such issues.

Sometimes, I think of becoming more careful with people who I know, would not think good about me. But I cant remember my resolve when I am dealing with those people the next time. I just go with the flow of instinct in that particular transaction with that person. There is distinct benefit to this, because I didnt have a pre-conceived notion about how the transaction would go.

It is you who would suffer by the sight of the enemy. The enemy perhaps would not even care. So the problem is when you start dis-liking someone. It does not really matter when people dislike you. For me, I hardly dislike anyone. Even if I do, I dont remember it unless I get a clue. Situations get really nasty when I remember though :)

Although I dont have an answer to the mystery of memory, yet in the pursuit of understanding the mystery, I have understood myself. I am a man of instinct and intuition. I am right here, right now.

It has helped me keep focus on the things that I loved doing. It has helped me concentrate on my work for longer hours. Most importantly, it has shielded me from all the bad memories that I have accumulated from the past 36 years. The burden of those memories would have killed me, or made me a different person altogether.

I have been a blank page through out my life. I am lovin' it.

(Now that I am writing this blog about memory, I am flooded with bad memories. I hope I forget them as quickly as possible)
The fellow Blog-a-Tonics who took part in this Blog-a-Ton and links to their respective posts can be checked here. To be part of the next edition, visit and start following Blog-a-Ton.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Living with myself!

As we grow, we come out of our cushy childhood to face the world around us. The world initially starts from peer pressure in the classroom, slowing expanding its influence to the school level.

By the time, we pass our board exams, we are experienced in handling anxiety, failure, expectations, and many such complicated emotions. We also start taking decisions with varied consequences affecting our existence.

We move from decisions like stealing a chocolate from the fridge to decisions like not talking to a particular friend in the class. We then graduate to decisions about which girl to like, and get infatuated. Every little or big decision has little or big emotional consequences.

Life starts and just wont stop at anything till we die. Every morning starts a day of living life fulfilling wishes, self expectations, greed, ambitions and other egotistical fancies. We go on taking decisions one way or the other. Sometimes we are compelled to take a particular decision.  Sometimes we decide to not decide. That's also a decision with consequences.

Finally comes a time, when we are living the consequences more than our lives. Today, I mostly take decisions to live through consequences of past decisions. Hardly I take new decisions. I neither have the time nor the guts.

I realise that I am going through a phase of wasting time pondering over what is happening, or what has happened. I ought to rather spend time to build a happy present and a better future. It is restricting and frustrating. How to run away? Meditation? Perhaps Yoga? Perhaps seclusion? I don't think death is an alternative.

I know it is a feeling that it is in the mind. It is finally the question, "Am I the world, or am I just myself?" The Jains take diksha by leaving every material comfort including relatives and immediate family. The yogis too roam around alone.

I realise we are all actually ourselves. I am actually just myself. I close my eyes and try to imagine the meaning of 'I am Me. I am just myself'. It is a nice liberating feeling. I am just myself makes me imply that 'the others are just themselves'. We both are mutually exclusive, not related at all. We have to just co-exist without harming each other. I also understand and accept the fact that I can't control others' thoughts, words and actions.

I also realise that I have only 'Today'. There is neither time nor need to mull over the consequences that have piled up on me over the years either subliminally or in full contrast.

Today I take another decision. But this is a new decision by me, for me, about me.

I will live for myself.

I would concentrate on my dreams. I will do my part and leave the rest to chance, and not to 'others'. I will not sulk, as most often than not, we sulk for others' actions, which are anyways, not in our control. I will be nice and courteous to others, as they are others and shouldn't be taken for granted.

Living for myself is mainly about a list of things that I want to do. It is about not getting distracted by past consequences and by 'others' actions.

Today I decide to be happy about myself, without the 'others'.